What my miscarriage taught me.

Recently it happened. After feeling a little run down, craving anything smothered in vinegar and hot sauce I thought could I be pregnant? No we only fooled around a few times where it was questionable but no. Then it hits me, what have I been wanting nonstop, BEER!! That is a sure sign that I am pregnant. I know the irony right, can’t have it but it’s all I can think about. Ice cold beer! So I talk to the hubs, he says yeah I noticed and figured you were pregnant. What how could you NOT say something!! Well he starts talking about how we didn’t plan it, it’s too soon after Caleb, we can’t do it. Everything you want to hear when you learn you are a 30 year old married mom of 2 who seriously just got pregnant by accident. So I quickly squash it and say we don’t know just leave it alone. Me being the qween of impatience, buys a test and it says bingo your eggo is preggo. So I hyperventilate, laugh then go home. I tell Matt and he says well here’s your girl. Still not exactly what I wanted to hear but I’ll take it. I schedule an appointment with my doctor because now I’m questioning how far along I am. I go and everything points to yes and he orders and early ultrasound to determine how far along I am. If you haven’t had one it’s not that bad. I envisoned this big wand they stick up your whohaw but it actually just sits at the opening of your portal to life. She can’t find anything. It could just be too early. I have this knack for knowing I am pregnant a week later. Blood test done I go home and figure Monday will show promising results. But on Saturday, I am dancing around with my 3 year old and I feel a twinge. It isn’t painful but I instantly know it isn’t good. I wish I could explain it better but I can’t it is one of those womanly, motherly intution things where you just know this is not good. I slowly walk to my room and sit. I can’t do it I can’t look. The twinge is gone so I venture back out. And within 5 minutes I feel wetness. I go to the bathroom and there’s blood. I come back out and look at Matt and just cry. Silently cry, shake my head and go back to the bedroom. He comes in and I tell him the baby is gone. He tells me to calm down we don’t know anything for sure. I tell him it’s gone and to leave me alone. Sure enough on Monday the doctor confirms I am no longer pregnant. Let the blaming and guilt begin.
I could go on about all the things I think I did that contributed to my miscarriage. But honestly I am over it. I will always wonder why. Why now after two pregnancies that never had any issues did this happen to me now? But you know what I cannot complain. I mean really I have 2 amazing boys and a husband who loves me baby weight and all. A job when most don’t and a very loving family. How can I be that selfish? There are so many others with real loss and heartbreak in their lives. So I took a week. I took a week to blame and cry and think God thinks I am a bad mom and doesn’t want me to have anymore children. But now I must move on. I would be lying if I didn’t say it still pains me a bit, but like I said I have no reason to be upset. I learned I am capable of letting go and looking on the bright side. I was never one to look at the glass as half full but I have learned to look at what I have not what I didn’t get. Life is good and sometimes bad things happen. We move on and learn to live with the things we cannot control. We take it one day at a time and be present and in the moment with our children. They are gifts and life can pass you by but sometimes we have moments that make us stop and look up. This was my moment. Maybe I needed that. I didn’t think I ever took my kids for granted but I don’t know if I truly appreciated how special it is that I am their mom.

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About thecoffeeqween

I am a 30 something year old mom, wife, and lover of all things coffee and tea. I have two kick ass boys, a hubs who looks like Collin Ferrell, and a killer job as a store manager for Starbucks. Follow me as I juggle it all downing espresso, raising boys and learning to be happy with what I got!
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One Response to What my miscarriage taught me.

  1. Brooke says:

    I have had 2 miscarriages, one before Kellen and one after. The first one was way more devastating than the second, and I think it’s because I a) wasn’t trying and b) had my son to hold onto. Don’t get me wrong, I was still sad. But it didn’t cause the same kind of month-long pain that the first caused. I knew the due date for the first baby, and I knew that it had been nine months since the m/c before I was able to get pg again. The second was much more of a fleeting situation. I know that isn’t everyone’s experience dealing with m/c after a child, but it seems to less likely to pull you under I guess.

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