I am not a girly girl by any means. Having children has helped me embrace the things about being a woman I never thought were for me. Being a homemaker. What it really means to be a wife and mother. We all start out with these preconceived notions about the type of wife and parent we want to be. I met my husband when I was 19 years old. I thought the wife I wanted to be was independent and strong. As much about myself as I would be about us.but as I began to feel a love I never imagined, I found my views about who I was were changing.
I wanted to take care of him. I wanted to cook and do his laundry. I seriously slammed my head into the wall because I had no idea who this girl was. She wanted to look pretty and sexy. I was the California girl who wore boys surf/skateboarding clothes. I wore vans and Billabong tees way before Quiksilver ever thought about an all girls line ala Roxy. So becoming a woman was weird.
Then this woman, this wife, became a mommy. And here is where her world dives full force into domesticity. I give in and realize this woman has kicked the girl I was in the pants. She told her grow up, this is what it’s all about. And you know what? I’m glad she did. I neve thought I would long to stay home with my kids. I wasn’t sure I ever wanted kids, and now? Now I want so many kids my husband is scared! In fact a week ago we were not in a good place because of this.
He has been adamant since Caleb was born that we cannot have anymore kds. He didn’t want any nor could we afford another. I know we can afford another. It may be tight but we would be okay. It may be a scramble to send all of them to college but we can figure that out later, right? Then he put his foot down. He said he is not comfortable having another child and he felt like I was bullying him! What? Me? When we talked about having kids we agreed on 3! You can’t take that back now, I yell er remind him kindly:)
So a week later we haven’t really been talking. I am heartbroken. I can’t force him, I can’t trick him, I can’t withhold sex so what can I do? I talk to him and I explain to him that for me it’s not that the family we have isn’t enough. I am not obsessed with pregnancy and babies. It is just something I feel in my heart and soul. I feel like we are supposed to have another. I tell him I cannot let our last child be the one I lost in July. There I said it. Part of it is I really wanted that baby. Even though it was a surprise I really wanted that baby. And now I can’t let it go. He looks up from his throne, the couch, and says I do too but just not now or in the next year. Ok. I breathe sit down next to him and tell him I understand. When we agreed on 3 we also agreed they would be 2-3 years apart. So it only fair to wait. But it got me thinking is he going in and still not wanting another. Will he resent me pushing him for another? He says he would have a million kids with me if we could but really is that what he wants? So I sit here wondering if I know I am not done dies he know he is? How do you reconcile that?