I haven’t cried since July. That statement alone assures me it’s getting better. The anxiety of post partum and the grief of losing my aunt are still mingled together. But I can honestly say the grieving is much better now. The one year anniversary was in July and that was by far the most difficult time ever. It wasn’t bad enough that I was celebrating my aunts birthday at her grave and then days later her death trying to hold my mom above the water of our tears and staying strong for my aunts two teenage children but I had a misscarriage in the middle of all that too.
I wish I could say I found relief in faith. I wish I could say my husband was by my side and my rock the whole time. I wish I could say I was so strong I did it on my own. But in all honesty it’s not over. It may never be. Church and God were hard to deal with after her death. When the aunt who was once your best friend and in the last 10 years became a stranger, is murdered brutally by her husband your world doesn’t make sense. I couldn’t grieve out loud and in the open, I have two small children that need me to be strong and happy for them. I had a husband who could not understand what was happening and therefore had no idea how to console am comfort me. It isn’t his fault. It’s a completely fucked up situation. But I haven’t cried since July.
Then last night out of nowhere. All of a sudden, in the middle of dinner out with all my boys it hits me. I suddenly thought of her and couldn’t fight the tears. They caught me by surprise. I think of her everyday and since I hadn’t any tears since July suddenly the wetnes on my face was shocking. Why now? I just randomly thought of her. No memory of a moment shared just a vague thought in the back of my mind. I have no clue no answer and fight the tears as I write this. Why does it seem like for every step we take in the right direction, we have to take two backwards? When is the crying going to stop? When is my mom going to forgive herself for not saving her little sister? Sometimes in the quiet moments in my brain I can hear her voice whispering my name and that’s the moment I can’t fight the tears.
So I sit and instead of getting angry again, hating the events that happened last July, I just let it happen. And try to take the next step.