Holy crap! Tomorrow is Caleb’s first birthday party. He doesn’t actually turn 1 until Wednesday but still, this is it! I am so full of emotions now. Emotions I did NOT have with Aiden. Of course I was sad, my baby was growing up so quickly, but I was also excited to see my first born transition into a toddler and couldn’t wait for the new chapter in our lives. But this time it’s different. I am sad and excited but it’s different. I wish I could explain it better but I can’t. I live my kids so much and I am so lucky they are mine. I feel like I’m too lucky.
Here is where the post partum anxiety rears it’s fugly head. I sit here crying as I write. I have no idea why. Partly because of this big moment in our family and partly because I am worried what if. What if this is his only birthday because something happens to him. What if something happens to me. Since my aunt’s death when I was pregnant I have been so worried that my kids may grow up without me. That bad things, very bad things, happen to good people all the time and there is nothing and no one that can stop them from happening. I feel like so much of my life is out of my control and I cry. I haven’t done this in months but lately it’s been harder and harder to fight it. Last week a friend was killed in Afghanistan. A young man who was just beginning his life. Married a year ago, a new baby girl just 16 days old, 2 weeks from coming home. This stupid world does not make any sense. But this stupid world gave me two healthy, beautiful, amazing boys. And I’ll be damned if I sit here any longer and wallow in the shitty things that have happened.
I put it out there. I own it. I am stressed and have anxiety but it is NOT going to ruin this for me. You hear that wild imagination?! You are NOT taking this from me!!! Caleb is amazing and wonderful. I am a good mom and yes bad things happen but if we didn’t have the sour we couldn’t enjoy the sweet. And Caleb amd Aiden are all kinds of sweet. So eff off anxiety. Kiss my ass sadness and grief. My baby’s turning one!!!
Tomorrow we will have a small get together at our house. It’s Halloween themed. So I am making brownie pop ghosts, pumpkin shaped sammies, cheese stick fingers, brain juice punch, and pumpkin spiced and shaped cupcakes. I am going to take so many pictures it’s going to be a week of wordless Wednesday’s featuring Caleb. Now I must go, I have to cook and clean and bake and gush. Peace out