Do you believe in your dreams?

It has taken me a few weeks to put the pieces back together. To seperate what I know as fact- the mess I saw, and what was my dream. I think I didn’t want to admit this- definitely out loud let alone to another living soul. But it’s eating away at me. I can’t talk to my family, it’s not fair to them. So I have to tell you all.
I haven’t blogged a lot about it but I did write a post about my grieving titled “When Will it Stop”. I cannot describe what happened to her. It’s one thing to say it out loud it’s quite another to paint a picture. She was shot numerouse times by her husband. I was in her home a couple of days later, no had cleaned up yet. That’s all I’m saying.
When she died I tried desperately to figure out what happened, what she felt and what she may have done. I can still smell that awful smell of death.
So when I dreamt that people I love were trying to kill me, I never ever thought I was dreaming my tia’s death. Of course no one will ever know what happened. Her husband took his own life after taking her. I didn’t even realize at first but in the dream I stop running and think this is what Andrea did. This is how she felt. In my dream, and apparently out loud since the hubs woke me up because I was shouting, I was screaming please don’t kill me I have kids! They need their mother. My aunt has 2 high school aged children, one of whom was home at the time of the shooting. Over and over again, my kids I have kids as I ran around and around in a circle no no no!!!
I am crying because now when I think of this dream I see her. I see her standing up to him telling him he doesn’t want to do this. To think of the kids and how much he loved them and didn’t want to hurt them. I see him angry, yet calm. I see a man spinning out of control and sad. I see evil in his eyes. People still have pictures of their wedding up and I want to scream at him I hate you and I hope you are suffering in the pit of hell you worthless piece of shit! I want to tell him he is a fucking coward and if he were here I would visit him every day in jail and torture him with the hell he caused my family.
Now the part that gets me about the dream is was that my imagination or was she telling me something? My family believes in dreams and their ability to unlock the unknown or communicate with lost loved ones. I do not know what I believe- I think. I mean I have had dreams about people I have lost or were losing and they did communicate to me in some way. But was that a sign? Was that my imagination telling me what I needed to hear so I can move on, ( which is what I believe here- I think). But why did I need this image? Why did I need to know the pain and fear she felt. What was this and what was it’s purpose?!!! I have no answers I can’t even imagine why I would need to add that to the images of blood throughout her house that are already forever imprinted in my brain.
That’s the problem with evil- I will never understand it.

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About thecoffeeqween

I am a 30 something year old mom, wife, and lover of all things coffee and tea. I have two kick ass boys, a hubs who looks like Collin Ferrell, and a killer job as a store manager for Starbucks. Follow me as I juggle it all downing espresso, raising boys and learning to be happy with what I got!
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2 Responses to Do you believe in your dreams?

  1. Alaina says:

    I hope it’s ok I leave a comment…I follow you on Twitter. I am so sorry for your loss. Sometimes there aren’t any answers. That’s the part that sucks. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

    On a side note, I do believe in my dreams. The night my Aunt Linda died from ovarian cancer, I had a dream of her sitting in her hospital bed, and she said good bye to me. That night, she died. I have a hard time not belieiving in dreams after that, and that’s not the only time I’ve had an experience like that in my dreams.

    • Ok so thank you for sharing. I too have had a similar dream to the one you had of your aunt. Which is why this dream haunts me sooo much. I guess I need to just own it and wait and see why I needed to know all that. Thank you for you comment and prayers.

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