The one thought that kills me!

I am still on a high from this weekend. I am so proud of both Alex ad Vincent and how they performed at the Morro Bay Tournament. But Vincent wininng the campion of champions and most outstanding wrestler awards just took me over the top.
I am such a ball of emotions. The pride I feel for those kids, the saddness because their mother isn’t here to be a part of this, the thought of my kids one day making me feel this proud of their accomplishments. And that’s where it creeps in, the anxiety. I must admit it is getting easier and easier to squash the random thoughts of bad things happening to my kids. I am glad I can feel it’s pressure and be able to calm myself before it hits me. But I was really hoping that after 14 mos this would be over. I know PPD/PPA is a process and will take time. It’s just the sneak attacks give you a false sense of happiness that it is gone. I know we will not crash and fall off the bridge as we cross it. I know a random serial killer isn’t going to come intoy home and killy whole family. But sometimes as I lay my head on my pillow those are my thoughts. I quickly tell myself it’s ok, we are ok. And that works but my heart still pumps.
This weekend I kept imaging I would die like my aunt did, too young. And my kids would be without a mother. My husband would have to move on and be with someone else and she would raise my kids. She would be the one in the stands wearing the wrestler’s mom shirts, feeding the whole team, screaming the loudest. I would be the one in heaven looking down heartbroken. I hate when these thought blur the life in front of me.
We can add this to the list of thugs my aunts husband did to us or at least me that day he killed her. He put the that thought in my head. No healthy, vibrant woman ever imagines her kids growing up without her. And now when I see Alex and Vincent I think about Aiden and Caleb without me.
And that thought, the one of the new mommy in the stands, at their wedding, playing with MY grandbabies? Yea that one- kills me! It sends sharp pains throughout my body. That one thought is the one that makes my heart pound and blood boil. That thought is my dark monster that let’s the other silly thoughts creep in.
I worry I may never recover from my PPA because of it. But I can stop fighting it. I gotta keep going. I fought tears writing this. I’ve steadied my breathing and heart rate- I got this.
I know I cannot live my life the way I want we these thoughts. I am going to focus on the positive of Alex and Vincent’s life. They are amazing and I love them more then that word could ever do justice. So with that I focus on the positive.

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About thecoffeeqween

I am a 30 something year old mom, wife, and lover of all things coffee and tea. I have two kick ass boys, a hubs who looks like Collin Ferrell, and a killer job as a store manager for Starbucks. Follow me as I juggle it all downing espresso, raising boys and learning to be happy with what I got!
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