Here we are approaching 2 years since my aunts death. I am pretty sure now there will never be a time when I don’t think about her when dealing with death.
I am at the funeral of a childhood friend. I wanted to go up there and say goodbye but I panicked. I remembered being at my aunts funeral not being able to be near her casket. Then I remembered the last funeral I attended at this church in my hometown. I wasn’t afraid then. I went to see my friend and I remember running out if the church.
I have never remembered what he looked like and honestly I am glad. I know my brain is protecting my heart. That friend shot himself in the head. This friend I know will look okay. He will look like the boy I remember. But I just can’t go.
I am sitting in my car debating whether or not to go to the cemetery. These things are so hard. I want to go. I want to say good bye. But I find it hard to breathe. I am slowly panicking. I don’t know if it’s solely the PPA or a combination of that and the trauma of my aunts death. I panic because I remember the pain I felt at her funeral like it was yesterday. I panic because I think of her children who are growing up without their mom. I panic for the fear my boys will grow up without me.
All I know is death, dying, and coping with it all will never be the same. I know now her death has changed who I am and who I was. At my friends service his ex wife said to their son ” God has a plan. Even if we don’t know it or like it, God has a plan.”
I wish I was strong enough to live on those words. In time it will get easier but til then- I sit in my car barely breathing. Trying to put it in drive.