With my post on Saturday I said I wa letting go of my anger. Even if it was just for that one day. And I will admit it was hard when I wrote those words. I wasn’t sure if I could hold true to my promise. As the day progressed I felt weird and wasn’t sure what it was. I assumed I was repressing the anger.
I took a nap. When I woke I got ready to go celebrate Andrea’s birthday. I still didn’t know what I was feeling. Sadness of course, anger no. Uneasiness? Anxious? Yes and yes. This was new and weird and I wasn’t sure what to expect.
This was our second time celebrating her birthday at her grave and when I arrived the air definitely seemed less tense than last year. There was a certain air of understanding. Of coping that I think we had all reached. This is never going to change we have to accept it and move on.
When it came time for the toast my mother started us off. Then my Tia Katie, then friends. My Tia asked me if I had anything to say being the oldest grandchild. I read my letter I wrote on my blog that morning. It summed up everything I was feeling, everything that I know.
It was so therapeutic I can’t even explain but it was like I was speaking to myself and my demons. Telling them I won. I am stronger than they could ever be. That I can no longer hold this anger inside me. I don’t know if this will last but I feel so at peace with this whole situation right now. I am sad and grieving still. But I am not overcome by it. I am not lashing out angry with her and her husband. I am ok. I will be ok and I hope this lasts. This weekend will be the actual anniversary of her death. I will be out of town on vacay with the hubs for our wedding anniversary. I hope this feeling lasts.