I haven’t written much about my post partum anxiety lately because this time around compared to last time it almost seems non existent. Until now.
One thing that sends me into panic attacks is traveling. I freak out enough going over the grapevine to Los Angeles but next month we are heading into the mountains to spend some time in the snow. This is something I’ve wanted to do since Aiden was 2 but after Caleb and the peak of my anxiety I just couldn’t do it.
The idea that we are going to slip over the edge of a mountain, get into a severe car accident, or any other horrible thing that could happen causes me such panic that I would just rather not go.
Even now as I write this I’m having trouble breathing. Last night expressing my fear to the hubs I started crying. I know it’s silly and we will be fine but I just can’t calm that feeling that something is going to happen. My stomach is starting to hurt and I’m fighting back tears.
No one gets to be so lucky as me to have these wonderful kids and not have something bad happen. With my Tia Andrea’s passing I learned bad things happen no matter what and I just keep waiting for my next tragedy to strike.
I keep saying I need to be knocked out during this trip. If it doesn’t get better soon it may be time to revisit the doctor and figure this beast out. Until then I will keep trying to silence my fears and live in this moment.