I have wanted to return to blogging for some time now. I just kept putting it off. I have a lot of catching up to do but tonight I come back for a purpose. A friend, a woman I met through work needs help. Her sweet baby boy had heart surgery today and the doctors are afraid he isn’t going to make it.
Another friend, through Instagram and Twitter, went to court today to listen as her best friends murderer plead guilty and was sentenced.
I sit here tonight not knowing what to donor think. I prayed. I wished and hoped. I think about my Tia Andrea and our own tragedy and how I am grateful her coward of a husband killed himself after shooting her so we didn’t have to sit in a courtroom and relive that day. Because reliving it randomly every day is enough. Reliving the bits and pieces of it are enough.
I think of my babies. My kids that I am sure I raised my voice at today, told to leave me alone for 5 minutes. And I think if my friend Nichole and how long she waited to become a mother and then all they went through when Coleson was born and now this. This may be their ending. I think I don’t know how they can continue. Then I think of my grandparents and how they go on everyday without my Tia Andrea. I want to cry so much right now for all of them. I want to scream to the heavens and ask God why. I know that there must be a reason for these things but I just can’t see it. I still don’t know why Andrea was taken. I don’t know why I am so lucky to have 3 healthy, amazing boys when I question God and my faith daily. I worry that some day my good luck will run out. I pray that God has mercy on me in my weakness. I just don’t see the bigger picture. I don’t know that I ever will. I just keep going. I pray my silent prayers for my friends and keep asking why.