Writing my story about the wreck was hard. It took time to process all those feelings. I still lose my breath when I close my eyes and see that truck coming for me. I can feel the spinning of my car and I want to scream.
I am so frustrated at the waiting game. I have 10 weeks of physical therapy that has yet to begin. I can start as soon as it goes through insurance. I miss being me. I miss being a mom. Don’t get me wrong I am so happy to be alive. And if it meant being in that wheelchair the rest of my life, it would be better than being dead.
Looking back people think seeing my car or pictures of me being extricated out of the car would be the most painful. And while yes, it is hard sometimes to look at them and sometimes I shutter and the pain comes rushing back. The most painful picture, the one that I don’t want to see or try not to look at is the picture I took of my boys that morning in their 4th of July outfits. That picture was playing in my head the whole time. It was the last time I was with my boys, the way I would remember them. It could have been my last look at them if I had died and that makes my soul ache.
To know I came so close to death. To know I could have missed out on my boys and being their mom? Well I am so lucky and I can’t get that thought out of my head when I see that picture. Yea I am frustrated. And yeah I have bad attitude days and want to hide in my room and sleep. But more than anything I am thankful. God I love being their mom.