I was told I would have to forgive at some point the man who hit us and I just don’t know if I will actually ever happen. I thought that I was indifferent, I don’t care anymore he’s in jail once the process gets going then I’ll sort out what I feel but it actually hit me just recently.
I was thinking about fall and all the fun things I would like to do there’s a couple of pumpkin patches that we like to go to and then I started thinking how in the hell are we going to get a wheelchair to that pumpkin patch. then it hit me they’re not. it’s just too bumpy,I can’t go on any of the activities because of awkward little spaces, and forget the corn maze so what’s the point of me going. So we’ll toss this onto the list of things that I get to miss out in my kids lives during this time. Thanks for getting angry and then I started feeling guilty it’s my constant Battle these days. I am of course grateful and thankful to still be here but does that mean I don’t get to Be angry. I mean they’re all these moments that I have to miss out on all these things that I don’t get to do. Don’t I have the right to be upset? I don’t really ask people’s question because Gosh I don’t want them to think that I’m not grateful. I did talk to my cousin and she said that it’s okay that I get to be angry that anger is part of me dealing with everything that’s happened.
There are moments where I just want to scream and yell at this person. moments where I want to treat him like he did kill me. I feel like a part of me maybe is dead. Okay dead is a little too harsh of course but a part of me is in limbo. I don’t know where my life is headed I don’t know what my outcome will be I don’t know if I will ever be me again.
I know I should be grateful that I will have as many years as I get to have with my kids at the pumpkin patch, but that’s not the point. The point is, I didn’t do anything wrong and I still feel like I’m being punished. Or maybe I am? that’s always the question I have in the back of my head. Is God punishing me for something that I did? something that I said? the person that I am? Is that something they God even does. I don’t think I’ll ever get an answer I don’t even think I’ll ever find an answer. Does that mean I’m not allowed to ask? I don’t know I’m just throwing things out there but right now I know I’m really pissed. really pissed because Callens 2 and this’ll be the first year they really knows anything that’s going on and I don’t get to be there. sucks drunk drivers suck.