After my aunt died I developed really bad anxiety. To the point of not going anywhere or doing things with my family because at any moment bad things could happen. I finally got a grip on it. Discovered my triggers and while it sneaks up every now and then, I have been able to keep it at bay. I had finally convinced myself that the awful, horrible way in which my aunt was killed was the worst and bad thing that happens to good people thing that will happen to me. Until Jujy 4th.
I have felt it lurking, sneaking into my thoughts after the crash. And even then I have kept it quiet. I have wrestled with the question did God save me in the crash or punish me by being in the crash? I try very hard to tell myself I was saved. That God is not yet finished with me. But it’s getting harder to believe.
I wonder how many more bad things are going to happen. I mean the crash was awful. The recovery awful. Then when I thought I was getting something the sentencing proved to return me to day 1 of the crash. Then silver lining I am getting my story out and helping with MADD. But again that is momentary and now that it’s done, well my dark thoughts are creeping.
I’m trying really hard to not believe the things my brain imagines in the dark. The bad things that happen everyday and seem to happen to me. I am trying to keep the faith that my bad things have happened and from now on life will be bad things free. I’m trying so hard!!