have you ever felt so many feelings you go numb? That’s me, that’s how I feel about today. Yesterday I had a short fuse. Everything was pissing me off. Mostly because it was taking all my energy to not cry constantly. Today, well today I just want to sleep. Stay in bed and forget the rest of the world exists. But I can’t. My kids want to celebrate and watch fireworks.
You know how they say your life flashes before you when your dying? And in the movies you see the character with all these running thoughts of their past floating in their head? Well that didn’t happen to me. Maybe because even though I thought I was going to die I wasn’t. Or maybe because that doesn’t really happen. Or maybe because the only thing that matters are my kids and that’s what I saw.
Looking back, it’s hard for my husband to look at pictures of the car. I look at them and I’m fine. I look at X-rays of my injuries and I’m fine. But my kids. Before I left for work that day I took a picture of my kids in their 4th of July outfits and that is what I saw. That is what hurts. I honestly saw that image in my head and thought that’s the last time I will ever see my kids.
So much has changed since that moment. For the most part I try not to think of Frankie Kahle and what he did. How he decided to drive while being three times the legal limit and slam into us. So a lot of anger is buried and not on the surface. I still feel guilty when people call me a victim or I tell people I was a victim of drunk driving. I didn’t die and I can walk so am I really a victim? Yes. I have learned yes I am. And downplaying what happened doesn’t do anyone a service.
I have to admit I wonder what Frankie Skip Kahle is doing today? Is he taking pain meds like me? Probably not. After all he walked away from the crash perfectly fine. And he walked away from jail when the judge gave him probation just fine. I wish I could tell him how I feel. I wish I could tell him how my knee swells everyday and how much pain it is causing me. How sometimes the pins in my hip hurt so much I can barely walk. How falling asleep takes me hours because it’s so hard to get comfortable and how I’m constantly battling no sleep. But mostly I want him to hear the things my kids say. How they wish mommy wasn’t hurt. Or how scared they were that mommy was never coming home. How they wish mommy could run and play with them again. Now that makes me angry. I want him to know he hurt more than just me and my husband I want him to know he forever changed the life of my kids.
I wish I could say life is perfect and this man didn’t change one thing. But that would be a lie. Some days I feel so weak like I should just power through this pain and be stronger. Other days I just don’t want to get out of bed. But I get to watch my boys grow up. I get to spend a million more 4th of July’s with them (God willing) and for that, I tell myself to suck it up, swallow the pills, and move forward! Your boys are waiting.
So if you’re reading this remember nothing is worth risking your life or the life of someone else. Drinking and driving crashes are 100% preventable. Don’t do it, don’t let people around you do it, stand up and keep everyone safe. Thank you.