Our life has been thrown for a loop since the crash almost 2 years ago. So many things have happened partially as a result of that and some things that were already in play prior to the crash. Things that I have never spoken about to just about everyone in my life. And for those close to me, only know what they’ve seen, not how I feel or what has really been going on. I still can’t write about it because I’m in it. I don’t know how to process it but to just keep swimming. Part of this change has been my taking a job within my field of study. It’s a good thing and I love my job but it also means making less than half of what I used to. My husband also had to start over for many, many reasons and he is also only working part time and making half of what he used to. Our family income has reduced by half and I am swimming up stream in the battle of my life. One of the things I noticed recently is that despite how much we have tried to make all this easy on the kids, tried to maintain so that their lifestyle isn’t affected, it of course has been.
I haven’t taken my sweet boys on mommy and me dates. I no longer bake and cook and spend time in the kitchen with the boys and for the boys like I used to. I no longer plan get togethers and birthdays months in advance, and that one. That last one, the birthday party ones, is what is really bothering me. I am not a plan all out, spend way too much on a kids birthday party kind of gal. But I do like to get a theme going and make sure everything is coordinated and fun. Callen’s birthday is a little less than a month away and I just noticed. I am that parent, that parent that has forgotten all the things they promised to do with each kid and not just the first. Everyone says by the time the second or third kid comes along you no longer feel the need to go all out or do the same things you did with your first when it was all brand new. I promised I wouldn’t be that parent. And let me say, not because there is anything wrong with that necessarily, just that when looking at ways to parent, that is something I never wanted to become. No different then me looking at attachment parenting and saying, not for me. No judgment no how dare you. Just, this is not who I see myself as.
Honestly, I think until recently I was doing well. In fact Callen had a photo shoot with a photographer for his 3rd birthday and neither of the other 2 had that! He had special mommy and me time like his brothers but I am slacking. I am slacking with all of them and it breaks my heart. My hands are somewhat tied financially but I can still plan a great birthday without spending a lot and I haven’t even tried that. I am that parent that I didn’t want to become and I am very upset. I am upset that I let my own feelings of despair alter the parent that I was. I have been battling falling down that rabbit hole of financial depression and circumstantial black holes for almost 2 years and now this. this just may send me over the edge. More often than not I am slowly realizing I am not the woman I thought I was, or ever wanted to be. I just hope my family hasn’t noticed.