It’s been a while and so much has happened. But the need to write was, is, strong still. First up, I am getting ready to head into maternity leave. That’s right I’m preggers! It was a total surprise and it took me a very long time to wrap my head around it. We kept it a secret for the longest we ever have and then I had told the most important people in my life and after that it was like oh well.
I won’t say it has been easy. We were not in a place to have another kid financially or emotionally. We are still rebuilding our lives after losing so much when the drunk driver hit us and changed our world forever. But we are survivors, not victims. We overcame the fear and uncertainty of the situation and let the joy and blessing that this is take over.
The c section has been scheduled and on October 12th we will welcome our 4th Smith boy into the clan. I for one and am tickled to have another boy. I thought I would be upset as this will truly be our last child and I was very upset when I found out Callen wasn’t going to be a girl. But there was a calm and peace going into the ultrasound. I knew it. I had this feeling that I am just destined to be a boy mom and I am okay with that. I am good at that. I love being a boy mom.
Oddly enough people still ask if we are going to try for a girl and I still laugh like a crazy person. I mean, no we don’t want/need a girl and we weren’t trying for a 4th let alone a girl. We got this and we are good. I guess some people just can’t imagine life without a daughter but I would probably think the same if I met someone with all girls. I am at the point where I both can’t wait for this to be over but don’t want this feeling to end. Last night he was very active and was keeping me awake. I didn’t mind, instead I laid there and tried to soak in every single movement and cement it in my brain. I know this being the last, that I will miss it and cherish it and cry when it’s over. I do have to say the part that wants me to hurry up to the finish line is my hip. The pain is awful. I feel like I did months after surgery. My knee is bugging me and my whole leg is pretty swollen everyday. I can’t take anything for it so I just have to get through it. It’s hard not to think of Frankie Kalle right now. This pain is because of him, his decision to drive when he was 3 times over the legal limit. I won’t lie part of me is building that anger again. Anger that he is ruining part of this experience for me and anger that we had to struggle to financially figure this out and stress over it. But I keep telling myself he isn’t worth it. He isn’t worth my time and energy. Greyson, this baby is and to not let that man steal my joy of this moment. To push it down and survive it like I am the pain. Because in the end I will have the blessing of a baby and he will still only have himself and the knowledge of what he did.