I don’t know this family. I know their names are Dan and Jacqui and their sweet boy Ryan. I saw them on Instagram Tuesday. Everyone I know was posting pictures with the hashtag #redballoonsforryan so after seeing it so much I finally clicked on it. Ryan was playing in a friends front yard and in his excitement ran out into the street to grab a wayward frisbee. In this single moment of pure joy for him he was struck by a truck and passed away.
I have no clue who these people are but in that moment we became connected as parents. I cried reading his story and looking through her Instagram feed at all the loving, sweet, and silly images of their perfect little family. I don’t know them but I feel pain and heartache for them.
I have no clue if the world or God is trying to tell me something but I get it, I hear you. With so many little lives lost lately I sure am taking stock and making sure I appreciate every moment I get with mine.
If you have read my blog than you know I have suffered some post partum anxiety and well it never really goes away. All of these things happening is starting to activate the parts of my brain that go to the dark places and tell me I don’t deserve this happiness or that any moment it’s my turn to have tragedy strike me.
For now I sit and keep those feeling and thoughts buried. I am choosing to be thankful. I am choosing joy over fear and pain. I would rather have happy moments wild and free than terrified guarded ones locked up inside my home afraid of what might happen.
This Mother’s Day release a red balloon for Ryan and his parents and keep them in your thoughts. It is just against nature and all things right for a parent to bury a child.
I used to ask people if they would like a pastry with their coffee for living, now I ask women if they need a bra fitting to go with their new panties. It is the end of an era, I left Starbucks in January.
It wasn’t an easy decision and I was so sad to leave the company I admire and love so much. But the stress I was under was no longer healthy for me or my family. There were many factors leading up to this but ultimately my sanity was just worth so much more than my love and respect for Howard Schultz.
I am now a category manager for PINK by Victoria’s Secret. It has been fun and interesting. I haven’t worked retail clothing in years! But managing a business and people are nothing new to me.
I am excited for what the future holds but more so I’m just happy to be able to be happy and enjoy work and my time away from work again.
I had a great weekend! I enjoyed lots of time with my kids relishing in their happiness. I went on a dinner date with the hubs and capped it off with a fantastic day with family celebrating Easter.
I thought about Nichole and baby Coleson and the many holidays she won’t get to spend with her son.
I talked about the meaning of Easter with my oldest son who has been talking a lot about God and Jesus recently even though we rarely go to church.
I’m still struggling with my faith but this weekend it felt really good to hear my boy speak of his own. It felt good to believe even if my brain can’t understand it. I had a great weekend and I hope you did too.
This weekend I will hold my babies tighter. I will try not to lose it when they won’t listen and I have to repeat myself several times. I will enjoy and take a mental picture of every single moment we share this holiday.
I will try with all my might to keep the anxiety of losing them away. I will not let my mind say I don’t deserve this. I don’t know why I’m so lucky but I will make sure I don’t take it for granted.
Coleson, my friends little boy from the previous post, passed away. She is hurting and I cannot find a comforting word in my entire brain because there are none.
I will reflect on the life I have and what the bigger picture might be. I will be thankful and not ask why. I won’t understand anytime soon but I have to keep the faith.
I have wanted to return to blogging for some time now. I just kept putting it off. I have a lot of catching up to do but tonight I come back for a purpose. A friend, a woman I met through work needs help. Her sweet baby boy had heart surgery today and the doctors are afraid he isn’t going to make it.
Another friend, through Instagram and Twitter, went to court today to listen as her best friends murderer plead guilty and was sentenced.
I sit here tonight not knowing what to donor think. I prayed. I wished and hoped. I think about my Tia Andrea and our own tragedy and how I am grateful her coward of a husband killed himself after shooting her so we didn’t have to sit in a courtroom and relive that day. Because reliving it randomly every day is enough. Reliving the bits and pieces of it are enough.
I think of my babies. My kids that I am sure I raised my voice at today, told to leave me alone for 5 minutes. And I think if my friend Nichole and how long she waited to become a mother and then all they went through when Coleson was born and now this. This may be their ending. I think I don’t know how they can continue. Then I think of my grandparents and how they go on everyday without my Tia Andrea. I want to cry so much right now for all of them. I want to scream to the heavens and ask God why. I know that there must be a reason for these things but I just can’t see it. I still don’t know why Andrea was taken. I don’t know why I am so lucky to have 3 healthy, amazing boys when I question God and my faith daily. I worry that some day my good luck will run out. I pray that God has mercy on me in my weakness. I just don’t see the bigger picture. I don’t know that I ever will. I just keep going. I pray my silent prayers for my friends and keep asking why.
This weekend we said goodbye to soccer until next year and finally took some family pics so we can create a legit Christmas card!! I think I’m so amazed my husband did this it still doesn’t seem real. He is not one of those yes wife types, but recently I have been talking to him about saying yes when it’s a family thing and he doesn’t not want to but doesn’t want to either. He just questions everything and will eventually give in (most times) but I was saying if you love me sometimes it would make my life less stressful if you just said yes. Say it’s not my thing but it won’t kill me either. That way I know your point of view but know you’re also in for the greater good of my sanity.
Aiden had a great time playing soccer and met some great kids! I hope next is just as awesome and can’t wait since Caleb will be old enough to play as well. Soccer mom heaven!
We all have highs and lows. It’s easy to live in the highs and loathe the lows. It’s even easier to give up in lows. Sometimes you can’t, you really want to but you can’t. I am really struggling with my job right now. I have never had this hard of a time pulling a team together and getting our asses in gear! But I feel like I’m drowning some days, maybe not while I’m in it but later as I reflect I feel if.
Some of it is my anxiety. Some if it is the unknown. My hubs recently left his job. He wants to take time off before embarking on his new adventure. I told him I would support him but I cannot lie it’s been hard. Because he is home I expect if him what I expect of myself and well he can’t hang with that yet. He isn’t used to it and I finally succumbed to my anxiety and lost my ish on him last week.
At work I have partners who are burnt out and frankly I’m kinda burnt out too. I am so unsure of my direction and I have never felt this way before. I’ve been burnt before but I still had a clear path. Right now I have a boss that I still have t connected with. At least not in any significant, this is going to work way. I feel so disconnected from it all I am not sure where to go.
This is a low for sure. A low I fear may last longer than I. I have got to keep swimming but at this lace I am acrid I might just drown.
We did a lot this weekend, as usual. We had Aiden’s soccer game, my husbands soccer game, and Sunday was our annual trip to the local farm for their October Fest for kids. It was a blast! The boys were so excited to wear their Halloween costumes for the first time and we even picked some apples today!
My Sunday always ends with preparing the boys lunch for school the next day. Tomorrow I packed a little love message!
Man this week has been so busy. I feel like it has been one fire after another and my extinguisher is almost empty. Not sure when I am going to be able to recharge. The little time I am getting with the boys is going to have to do.
Work has left a funny taste in my mouth. I can’t seem to get my bearings. I’ve had a new boss since April and we still haven’t clicked and now it’s bugging me. I’ve never had this happen and frankly it sucks balls. I have so many new people and business is picking up. It is stressful. People either don’t notice or don’t care that it takes time to build up a team. And well it all falls on my shoulders. I have some really great partners and my supervisors are picking up the slack and rocking it but it’s hard man. And it’s not even holiday time!
The mister has a whole lot of nothing and potential for greatness going on and the whole not knowing part scares the crap out of me!! I just lay in bed with my mind spinning and then I’m so exhausted because I can’t get any good sleep. More weight on my hunched over shoulders.
The kids are non stop, but what else is new. We just seem to go even more than ever on the weekends that I’m not pausing to rest.
I know I sound complainy but I’m not. I know I’m so lucky that these are my problems! I am so lucky that soccer, lunches for the boys, and the business of life is problem. My shoulders are just getting a little heavy.
This week and last week and the week before, we have been talking a lot about routines and finding the best way to get a task done. I love routines. I like having a plan for my day and checking things off my list and getting that shit done!!! It makes me feel so accomplished even if it’s just the little things.
So I started thinking how can I encourage this behavior in my children? First if all, I have boys which scan by nature be notoriously messy and if genetics get the best of them they will NOT be planners like my husband. But as babies they all quickly feel into a great schedule on their own and still thrive on a schedule no matter how loosey goosey it gets.
So I am thinking if developing simple routines for my 6 year old. Then I will tackle the 3 year old. The baby, well he still has a year or two to go before I get to him!
This week we are focusing in after school routines. Aiden has a good morning routine going. Get up, brush teeth, get dressed, pack back pack and grab a bite and we are out the door. After school it is unpack back pack(lunch box in the sink mainly) pick up bedroom, homework, reading time, and then fun fun fun!!!
I’m thinking we can go with this for a bit, don’t want to throw too much at him. I figure if we focus on one routine at a time we won’t forget the old routines when we learn the new ones! Do you follow routines? How does it work in your house?