i have felt so stuck since my rehab ended. I couldn’t do most of the moves from rehab b cause I didn’t have the equipment at home. Then when I did some modified versions of it I ended up injuring myself and had to stop. It felt like I was never going to get better and I was gaining weight.
Not much just enough to make me uncomfortable and unhappy with my current body. But when I can’t do anything but ride a stationary bike it’s hard to feel motivated to do even that. I suck at following programs and workout routines because I’m always so tired. And I’m so not one of those people that gets a high from working out. I hate it. I always have and I probably always will. But I tried Zumba and I liked it. I love to dance. I always say when in doubt dance it out! Recent I’ve tried a few things from beachbody and I have really wanted to learn about the 21 day fix eating plan. But I am so not into investing all that money unless I’m totally committed. And since I know almost all the exercises are probably too much for me to handle or even attempt, I figure what’s the point?
Recently they came out with a new dance workout called CIZE. I quickly ordered this package that came with a similar meal plane to the 21 day fix and the color coded cups so I could measure out my food. I completed my first workout yesterday. I totally thought I would breeze through the first week of beginner workouts. And while the choreography was easy for me, the constant movement for 35 minutes straight just about killed me!
But in a good way. I felt completely strong and like I might be able to do this. I still have to wrap my head around the food part but I really hope I can keep this up. My body is sore and I’m taking meds again but hey I’m moving! I’m building up that leg and hopefully gaining some strength while I lose some weight!
That picture is my Monday. I had a horrible time falling asleep Saturday and ended up getting very little. Since then I have been so sleepy. Melatonin has become my best friend since my car crash. It takes me so long to get comfortable and fall asleep I can’t just take pain pills and get comfortable anymore. I haven’t been taking pills at all lately but Saturday I did. I took a big girl pill and I felt so good. I forget what it’s like to be pain free. I also don’t realize how much pain I live with, even when I take ibuprofen. It felt so good I couldn’t sleep.
I was so sleepy I fell asleep a little earlier than usual Sunday night. But man when I woke up today I still feel hungover on sleep, or lack thereof! I forgot to pack the ice packs in my kids lunch bags. It’s the second week of school and I’m failing already!
My mugshot Monday post on Instagram shows my failure and the fact that I need mass amounts of coffee today. Which by the way, I ran out of. It is the weakest pot of coffee ever. I just can’t win today! I think I need to go back to bed and try again. At least I have my beautiful Lake Tahoe Starbucks mug to look at while I drink my water slightly browned by a touch of coffee.
The last few days have been a whirlwind. Yesterday was officially the first day of school for my babes. I snapped this photo because well look how cute and big they are and because I’m walking behind them! Now if you have followed me over the past year then you know this is huge because last year I didn’t get to take my boys to school or snap pics of them. Last year I was still in my wheelchair recovery from the car crash. But I didn’t cry. I did the night before and I really wanted to but somehow I felt so strong and renewed in such a simple moment and task that I didn’t.
Caleb started kinder and was so excited. He has the same teacher Aiden had so I am excited to know he will be well taken care of. He came home excited and happy. He said he did a lot of fun things and even made a new friend named Shane. I’m so glad my once overly shy middle little has found his independence. But he does need to slow his roll. He told me as we approached his class, you don’t need to walk me in mom I’m okay. I’m sorry what? Of course I’m walking you in nerd!
Aiden started third grade and was a bit apprehensive since the teacher I requested was picked to be his teacher and he had heard she was strict. Again I was excited that Aiden would be in good hands. But at the meet and greet he learned she was a Harry Potter fan so he hoped that would give them some connection. He came home excited that his teacher was “cool” and he had friends in his class.
I found the first day of school printable on Pinterest.
And of course back to school for them means back to making school lunches for me!
I even created a Pinterest board titled Smith Boys Eats just to showcase their lunches. Find me under thecoffeeqween.
Lastly we had to welcome our teachers back with some coffee duh! I found these cute reusable cups at Target and bought some Starbucks Via vanilla latte. Then I printed this Super cute label I found on Pinterest.
Happy back to school folks!
Have you ever felt so discouraged by life dealing you tough blow after blow that you just have zero motivation. I think I’m there. We are going through some pretty heavy stuff here and I feel like I just can’t catch a break- not do I have any motivation to dig my way out of this hole.
I’m trying to play it cool. I’m trying to be positive so the kids don’t feel my stress. But honestly I just have stressed so much and let this completely take over my being for so long I’m at the point of no. I’m done. I can no longer care about anything. I just want to get back to my routine and my life. But I know I can only ignore this for a short time. Like any problem it will find you and smoke you out until you deal with it.
Maybe if I just need to get some well deserved sleep. I haven’t slept much and I am all kinds of grumpy when I’m tired. I don’t know. I just know that uncertainty makes me anxious and I don’t want to let my anxiety get the best of me. So if you could spare some good vibes could you please, pretty please, send them my way. Thanks.
this weekend I attended the funeral of a friend’s brother who was killed by a drunk driver. It was tough to sit there for so many reasons. Watching my friend and his family in pain and hurt, was almost too much. Thinking how close I was to being the person in the casket, and feeling like a sore thumb because I survived and he didn’t.
Survivor’s guilt is real even when no one dies in the crash you’re involved in. My husband and I survived. But when I read or hear others stories where their loved one died I don’t want to speak up and say I understand or I know what you’re going through. I mean I do understand the pain and suffering associated with losing a loved one in a horrific tragic way at the hands of another person. But I don’t want to tell them I too am a victim of a drunk driving crash. What makes one person live and another die? There is no rhyme or reason to this process. It’s all randomness. And when I hear or see their pain and anguish I don’t want to make them feel worse by reminding them that not everyone dies. The why me’s are the worst.
The church service was very uplifting as they celebrated this young man’s life rather than mourn their loss. There were lots of people who worked with him in Nevada who made the trip to California to say their good byes and pay their respects. The department or corrections did a full on memorial and salute and it was breathtaking to witness that. When my Tia Andrea died I was so lost in grief I don’t even remember that happening at her funeral.
Mostly my heart just aches for my friend and his family. His brother was taken far too soon from this world and the anger and injustice I know he is feeling breaks my heart. I wanted nothing more than to grab him and hug him and never let go. I wanted to tell him that his feeling of loss will never leave nor will it ever decrease in feeling. Rather he will learn to live with a piece of his heart and soul missing. That he has his family to stay in this life and be present for. And as hard as that is some days you just have to. Life will find a way.
R.I.P Sharrod. And peace and love to you Ryan as you learn to live in this new reality.
Yesterday was a very emotional day. I spoke at a ceremony honoring law enforcement for having a high quantity of good DUI arrests. I was extremely honored and nervous to sit in a room filled with so many people who have seen cases worse than mine. I didn’t expect to tear up but i felt so many emotions telling my story to a new group of people I couldn’t help it. A few times I looked over to the hubs and he looked like he was holding back tears and then I started tearing up again. I met some awesome officers and great people who fight every day to bring an end to drunk/drugged driving. I always feel such a sense of strength and purpose when I get to tell my story. I really like doing these events and hope I get to continue. I sat next to a wonderful girl I remember seeing at the Walk like MADD event last year. She, like myself, was in a wheelchair at that time. And like me now, she is no longer in that chair. She was in an crash right after me. Her friends died in the crash and she was the lone survivor. I can’t even begin to imagine how she feels. But we spoke and shared a lot of the same issues. We both are not fans of the word victim and prefer the term survivor. I like her. I hope she continues to stay positive and get better.
But yesterday was already an emotional day before it even started. Yesterday was 6 years since my Tia Andrea was killed. I always feel a pit in the bottom of my stomach leading up to the anniversary. I always struggle with anniversary in this sense. It’s not a day I want to celebrate. I am glad I got to see my mama today. To help ease her heart even if just for an hour or so. I don’t ever know what to say to her or my anyone else in the family. It’s not something I want to remember but I can never forget. I cannot believe it has been 6 years. I was just thinking how much she would love my boys. I can just see her dancing with them and being silly like she was with me when I was their age. She was the best. I wish we could have spoken before she passed. I wish she was here today and that we could have buried the past instead of her. I still have anger towards her husband for taking her away. I look at Alex her daughter, and marvel in her street and ability to live a full life in spite of the events that changed her life forever. She is amazing. Oh Andrea there’s so much I wish for you and our family. I know you are smiling in heaven watching us and missing us as much as we miss you. Til we meet again.
a friend of mine received terrible news Monday. His brother, whom he adored, was killed, nope sorry, murdered by a drunk driver. There’s so much I want to say, to write, to try to make everyone understand. Understand how selfish drinking and driving is.
But I can’t. I have waited to post this because I wanted to find the right words but right now they escape me. And you know, I know the whole “I’m lucky” bit has bothered me before but right now in this moment I am so lucky and thankful I survived. I don’t know why I did and you didn’t Sharrod. I don’t know why anyone must be taken from this world in this way.
When I heard about your death I immediately thought of your smile. I know this is sounding really cheesy but you had the most beautiful smile! You were so sweet to me, always. I love your brother Ryan like a brother. I promise to keep an eye out on him. I hope and pray you didn’t suffer.
Stop drinking and driving people. There is NOTHING in this world worth your life here with those that care about you. Just stop already. Stop.
I am a routine person. And I love sleep. I am the type of person who either needs 5 or less hours or 10 hours of sleep. 8 -9 hours and I’m still tired and grumpy. Weird I know. But when I became a parent I knew we were going to have some kind of routine. And with all my kids we had a routine and it worked amazingly for us.
While this time off of work due to my injuries has been difficult mentally and physically, the only good thing is time. Time I have with my kids that I wouldn’t have had before because I would have been working. Granted some of that time hasn’t been very good because of my health but the good far outweighs the bad.
This is the first summer since becoming a mother, where I haven’t had a job outside the home. Normally we keep the same routine as during the school year with some modifications for fun times. I mean U.S. adults don’t get a summer break and well, I need my sleep remember? But this summer I don’t have to be at work at 4 or 8 am. And even though I can’t necessarily run around and hike mountains with my kids, we have been having lots of fun!
The first thing to go was bedtime. We can stay up later if we can sleep in, and man have we been sleeping in! We watched all the Star Wars movies, in order, starting with number 4. We are half way through the Harry Potter movies and last night the boys discovered Leave it to Beaver. Every night after dinner we go in the front yard and play baseball with any neighborhood kids that come out to play. It’s our very own Sandlot! We are baking cookies and the boys are helping in the kitchen with every meal.
I know that getting them back into a routine may be difficult but I learned a tough lesson a year ago. Time is precious and making memories is important. I know as adults we can sometimes be so consumed by what we doing for a living it becomes who we are. Remember to stop and be a kid with your kids or even your friends if you don’t have kids. No one knows what tomorrow holds.
Oh man this Monday is getting the best of me and I have been up only a couple of hours. This weekend was rough. Lots of feelings and emotions and lots of time to think and feel each one of them. Sometimes routine and kids are the best remedy. My agenda for today: laundry, meal plan, grocery shop and get myself together. Not necessarily in that order!
Hopefully I can scrape myself off the couch after this coffee. I’m at my parents this morning so I am having some Starbucks Sumatra brewed in a Keurig. It’s funny because when my mom first made the switch to Starbucks coffee full time, brewing at home and work, she would drink Pike Place and sometimes add a little water. I don’t know if she bought the wrong kind or ran out and only had Sumtra but somehow she ended up trying Sumatra. It is an Asia pacific coffee with a strong flavor profile. But it has a low acidity and super clean finish. When I first became a barista it was my favorite coffee. Probably because of the low acidity and how yummy it tasted paired with lemon poppyseed cake! But I digress.
My water adding Pike Place loving mom became a fan of dark coffee instantly. Again I think the acidity and finish played a big part in that. When you go from a high acidic Latin American blend to a darker, cleaner, low acidic coffee you often don’t mind the depth in flavor because you don’t have that kick in the face acidity at the end. At least that’s what I have found.
So here’s to Monday’s and peeling our lifeless selves off the couch and into reality! Cheers!