It’s been 2 years. 2 years since the day I thought I was going to die. 2 years since my world was turned upside down. Do you think about me Frankie Kahle? Do you think about my family? Probably not. I try very hard to not think of you. I think of that day and I live with the choice you made everyday but I rarely stop and think about you. You don’t deserve it.
Judge Humphrey, do you even remember my case? Do you think about my words and how hard it was for me to get up and talk about it what the man did to me and my family? Probably not. I also try not to think of you. To think of your words of sympathy for the man that nearly killed me. I try so hard to not remember that moment when you let him walk away Scott free. The day I became a victim and not a survivor.
It’s been 2 years and this year as much as I still isn’t want to celebrate 4th of July I did. And I tried my very best to not think of Frankie and what he did. But how could I not. While I still wasn’t totally festive and in the best spirits, I did not cry. I decided I was not going to let this man continue to control me on this day. We finally took a new picture. I can erase the one I took on that day, the one that popped in my head when that mans truck hit us. The picture I still look at and cry and think that’s the last image I thought I would ever see of my kids. I am happy to erase that.
It’s baby steps. I know one day I will have to let it all go completely but for now there is still some anger, disappointment, and pain. But it’s been 2 years and I was finally able to get a new pic.
This post has been so hard to write. Moochie is four years old. 4!!!!! I have tried so hard to not allow this to happen but it has come and gone and now I must accept that he is not a baby anymore. That he is more little boy than baby.
No! It hurts so much more than I thought it would. I am so happy we decided to go for a 3rd child. Callen is the best of all 4 of us wrapped into one little nugget! He is smart, funny, adorably cute, witty and charming. He is tough like his brothers and kind hearted. When I see him my heart explodes with love. As much as I want another baby he is also the perfect way to complete our family. In the end if we never have another baby, magic 8 ball says never!, I am complete. We are complete. But it’s still sad to see my very last baby grow up!
I had a workshop on Saturday so my only day off this week was Sunday. And of course Sunday was insane!! My husband and 2 older boys left Thursday for a camping trip with their wrestling team. There was not cell service so I had zero contact with them until Sunday morning when they got home.
They had a great time and I was glad they got to have this time with their team mates and father. But as soon as they got home everything went back to crazy! Showers, brunch, then my cousin needed me to watch her adorable son which was no problem. I mean when you have 3 kids running around 1 more isn’t that much!
I just did not expect to feel so exhausted today. I am a zombie and if you can’t tell from my mugshot, I have giant circles under my eyes. So wish me luck today and send toothpicks. For my eyelids.
Head over to Instagram and tell me- what’s in your cup today.
Our life has been thrown for a loop since the crash almost 2 years ago. So many things have happened partially as a result of that and some things that were already in play prior to the crash. Things that I have never spoken about to just about everyone in my life. And for those close to me, only know what they’ve seen, not how I feel or what has really been going on. I still can’t write about it because I’m in it. I don’t know how to process it but to just keep swimming. Part of this change has been my taking a job within my field of study. It’s a good thing and I love my job but it also means making less than half of what I used to. My husband also had to start over for many, many reasons and he is also only working part time and making half of what he used to. Our family income has reduced by half and I am swimming up stream in the battle of my life. One of the things I noticed recently is that despite how much we have tried to make all this easy on the kids, tried to maintain so that their lifestyle isn’t affected, it of course has been.
I haven’t taken my sweet boys on mommy and me dates. I no longer bake and cook and spend time in the kitchen with the boys and for the boys like I used to. I no longer plan get togethers and birthdays months in advance, and that one. That last one, the birthday party ones, is what is really bothering me. I am not a plan all out, spend way too much on a kids birthday party kind of gal. But I do like to get a theme going and make sure everything is coordinated and fun. Callen’s birthday is a little less than a month away and I just noticed. I am that parent, that parent that has forgotten all the things they promised to do with each kid and not just the first. Everyone says by the time the second or third kid comes along you no longer feel the need to go all out or do the same things you did with your first when it was all brand new. I promised I wouldn’t be that parent. And let me say, not because there is anything wrong with that necessarily, just that when looking at ways to parent, that is something I never wanted to become. No different then me looking at attachment parenting and saying, not for me. No judgment no how dare you. Just, this is not who I see myself as.
Honestly, I think until recently I was doing well. In fact Callen had a photo shoot with a photographer for his 3rd birthday and neither of the other 2 had that! He had special mommy and me time like his brothers but I am slacking. I am slacking with all of them and it breaks my heart. My hands are somewhat tied financially but I can still plan a great birthday without spending a lot and I haven’t even tried that. I am that parent that I didn’t want to become and I am very upset. I am upset that I let my own feelings of despair alter the parent that I was. I have been battling falling down that rabbit hole of financial depression and circumstantial black holes for almost 2 years and now this. this just may send me over the edge. More often than not I am slowly realizing I am not the woman I thought I was, or ever wanted to be. I just hope my family hasn’t noticed.
I am the laziest, busy body I know. I seem to always be doing something so when I am finally home I have no desire to do anything! Recently the boys had to maintain weight to wrestle in Reno Nevada. What this meant is making sure they didn’t eat a lot of junk and ate all the veggies and fruits and lean protein their hearts desired. Basically how I wish we could eat all the time but never seem to do. We eat fairly healthy and are really good about not buying junk food at all, but we know there are outside forces in our kids lives and they totally take those opportunities to eat chips and drink juice. Anyway I realized we could do this and do it well but it is going to take so much motivation on my part, and well that is something I can’t seem to generate lately.
Don’t get me wrong, I still cook for my family and make them healthy well balanced meals, but I am talking the planning and prepping is where I need to be and I can’t seem to get there anymore. I had been doing really well for quite a stretch. Even had meals for the crockpot in the freezer and lunches planned out for the boys for the week. But since we moved and my kitchen is smaller and it seems like all I do is work, cook, work, cook, I don’t enjoy it as much. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I miss my huge kitchen island way more than I thought I would. Not having the space to have even half of my appliances out and ready at a moments notice has totally stiffled any passion for meal planning and prepping I had.
My husband is trying to eat healthier and has been running and lost weight. I have been cutting my portions back and have lost nothing. I know I need to get back to working out, again I have no motivation at all. I am starting to follow meal planning people who post all their wonderful pics on instagram to find some inspo for this endeavor. I am spending too much money on lunch even when I keep myself on a budget it seems to be too much. It’s time. It’s so time for me to get my behind in gear and go back to menu planning and prepping. but again I am so busy that my one day to relax, Sunday, is the day that I just can’t get myself up and moving to do anything.
What motivates you to get this done? How do you snap out of the mindset of “well if things never changed, I would be okay with this”? I just can’t seem to get there. Help!
I was never entirely sure if I wanted to be a mom. And my younger self most definitely didn’t want to be a mom 3 times. But as I warmed up to the idea of kids I remember thinking I hope my kids are wild, individuals, and busy. I know totally weird things to hope for but my parents always kept us busy. Encouraged us to do and try sports and activities and the more “mom” I saw myself the more I hoped for that.
We have been so busy lately with wrestling. Both Aiden and Caleb are involved and our weekends consist of tournaments near and far.
It’s been tough as a mom because my oldest is going up against kids with much more experience and technique than he has. Also my kids have never had to discipline themselves so much. This sport is one on one. There is no team to catch you when you fall. My middle little has won almost every tournament he has been to. He is wrestling newbies as a newbie. Trying to balance their feelings has been a tough one.
We keep encouraging Aiden, who has won some medals, that winning isn’t everything and improving and enjoying himself is what this is about. Along with being super excited every time his brother wins. It’s been a pickle I never expected but a good growing moment for me and the hubs to learn to encourage and celebrate the individual accomplishments of our boys.
I have always been so adamant that they are their own person, even though they are lumped together as the Smith boys, I have painstakingly made sure to never be matchup in their clothes or likes and dislikes. Yet they always gravitate toward the same things and always seem to compete against each other. Most of the time it’s harmless and we laugh about it. But this time it felt different.
So far we seem to have managed to keep everyone happy and are walking away from these tournaments with our self esteem in tact. Well except the baby. He is always so pissed he can’t wrestle yet! He always had to be in the pictures. But no one ever complains, they don’t ever mind sharing the spotlight with the crazy one!
It’s been a long time since I thought about my dreams for the future. A long time that I have told my self I could dream of a future. For various reasons we adults forget to dream. To imagine what our future may hold, to imagine if the world was your happy place.
Today is Martin Luther King Jr Day. It’s a day to reflect and serve your community and be a part of the world in a positive way. And while I have been thinking about how to discuss this with my kids and how to talk about his I have a dream speech, I realized I don’t have a dream.
So today I am looking ahead. I am reflecting on my life and the positive role I want to play in not only my children’s lives but my community as a whole. What can I do to give more? What can I do to be more to my family?
Today is not a waste. Today is my a free day but a day to be free from the constraints of everyday life and be the change you want to see in the world. That is how you honor MLK and that is how you can keep his legacy alive. Today is not a day for differences and grievances but a day for togetherness and celebration of who we are individually and collectively.
That’s what I’m sharing with my boys today. And I just might allow myself a day dream or two.
This year I resolve to… My goodness I have no clue. I usually have my list all ready to go by the end of the year. I’m so behind this year I haven’t given it a moments thought. The only thing I do know is that I am sure working out and strengthening my leg will be on that list.
I of course want to eat healthier and be a better parent but I also want to work on being a better wife. The hubs and I have struggled a lot since the crash and I need to work on my role in this partnership. I have no clue what that entails or even where to start but even if all I do is research and think about what it means to be a better wife, that’s progress right?
I have no clue what my word will be this year. Again I am still mailing out my Christmas cards, I’m not in a new year state of mind. Not even close. I almost want to resolve to simply write what things I could do better or be better at, and that’s it. Nothing too specific. Every year we make these specific, overly stated goals. And most of us fail every single year. Most of us forget by the end of the month that we have resolved to do anything but the status quo.
Yeah I’m making a list. A list of things. I will keep that list every where I can but its not going to be a specific goal. It’s simply going to be a general concept, a piece of me if you will, that needs work. Like a to do list or work in progress list. I’m thinking a vision board might help with this concept as well.
Yeah this year I resolve to make a list to do’s. Things to do for me.
December 3 was the Mother’s Against Drunk Driving, National Day of Remembrance. What does that mean? It was a day where family members, friends, those affected by a death or injury due to a drunk driver, could come together and celebrate and honor their loved ones, or in my case, talk about how far you have come since your injuries occurred.
My local MADD group got together for Pie and Coffee. I was apprehensive about going because I didn’t quite know what to expect as a survivor. It is hard to listen to the stories and not feel thankful that you are here. It’s hard to see so much pain in people’s face and hear it in their voices and know that you made it. But luckily I have a very understanding group of friends and honestly, I never feel out of place when I am with them.
The stories. My God the stories are truly heartbreaking. When you lose a loved one in such a terrible, preventable way, that cut runs deep and is always fresh. In retrospect no one in this group needs a day to remember their stories or their loved ones, we live with their memory and the consequences of that incident forever. But there is something extremely therapeutic in telling your story, in hearing other’s stories, in the friendships you build belonging to this unfortunate group that has to exist.
To commemorate the day we created plates with designs and colors. You know the kind you can bake and seal in the image forever. It was so interesting to see how everyone decided to decorate and what types of colors everyone used. We each took our time telling our stories. There were tears and laughter and in the end we all left feeling uplifted and forever bonded. Carla, our MADD coordinator, has such an amazing spirit to put this all together for us and inspire and nuture us in way that makes us all feel safe and free to share. In a world where everything is about now, in this moment, me, me, me, it is so refreshing to have time stop and truly just be.
Thank you MADD and thank you to my MADD family.
So much has passed since the last time I was on here. The MADD walk happened, Aiden started football, Caleb started soccer, and I got a job! It has been super crazy busy around here and I’m still trying to get my bearings. It’s been so bad I have had to go out with curly hair in public! I reserve this look for weekends home until my hair grows out a little more but I’ve been too tired to straighten it this past week.
So here’s a real mugshot Monday photo for you. Crazy curly hair and all. So many people wonder what Callen gets his curls and well it’s me and my DNA in that hair of his!
This past week I drank pea berry coffee- lots of it! Going back to work has me like whoa! I could drink coffee all day long! This week we are drinking Verona from Starbucks. I’m hoping to make it to World Market so I can try some pumpkin coffee. We shall see. What’s in your cup?