It’s been a while and so much has happened. But the need to write was, is, strong still. First up, I am getting ready to head into maternity leave. That’s right I’m preggers! It was a total surprise and it took me a very long time to wrap my head around it. We kept it a secret for the longest we ever have and then I had told the most important people in my life and after that it was like oh well.
I won’t say it has been easy. We were not in a place to have another kid financially or emotionally. We are still rebuilding our lives after losing so much when the drunk driver hit us and changed our world forever. But we are survivors, not victims. We overcame the fear and uncertainty of the situation and let the joy and blessing that this is take over.
The c section has been scheduled and on October 12th we will welcome our 4th Smith boy into the clan. I for one and am tickled to have another boy. I thought I would be upset as this will truly be our last child and I was very upset when I found out Callen wasn’t going to be a girl. But there was a calm and peace going into the ultrasound. I knew it. I had this feeling that I am just destined to be a boy mom and I am okay with that. I am good at that. I love being a boy mom.
Oddly enough people still ask if we are going to try for a girl and I still laugh like a crazy person. I mean, no we don’t want/need a girl and we weren’t trying for a 4th let alone a girl. We got this and we are good. I guess some people just can’t imagine life without a daughter but I would probably think the same if I met someone with all girls. I am at the point where I both can’t wait for this to be over but don’t want this feeling to end. Last night he was very active and was keeping me awake. I didn’t mind, instead I laid there and tried to soak in every single movement and cement it in my brain. I know this being the last, that I will miss it and cherish it and cry when it’s over. I do have to say the part that wants me to hurry up to the finish line is my hip. The pain is awful. I feel like I did months after surgery. My knee is bugging me and my whole leg is pretty swollen everyday. I can’t take anything for it so I just have to get through it. It’s hard not to think of Frankie Kalle right now. This pain is because of him, his decision to drive when he was 3 times over the legal limit. I won’t lie part of me is building that anger again. Anger that he is ruining part of this experience for me and anger that we had to struggle to financially figure this out and stress over it. But I keep telling myself he isn’t worth it. He isn’t worth my time and energy. Greyson, this baby is and to not let that man steal my joy of this moment. To push it down and survive it like I am the pain. Because in the end I will have the blessing of a baby and he will still only have himself and the knowledge of what he did.
Lately it feels like life is coming at me. Like it is personally trying to break me. I don’t talk about my marriage much but my husband and I are still trying to find our new balance as our family changes and develops. It has it’s ups and downs but definitely more ups than downs so I consider that winning. But life itself is just giving me all kinds of feels. In the last 2 weeks I found out a friend killed himself and another friend discovered a serious health issue. We also had Halloween and birthdays and goodness gracious it’s just so much right now. I read in a book and I can’t for the life of me find where I wrote this down but it was something to the effect of… I am a girl standing in the middle of a tornado pretending it’s not even windy. I am sure I messed it up but that’s how I feel. Like everything is swirling around me and I am just standing still not moving.
I don’t like this. I don’t do life out of control and right now I feel so far behind that what is the point in even scrambling now. I have let my calendaring go, I am behind in updating the kids papers from school and I haven’t unpacked a box in the garage in a month. And now the weather is shifting and no one has enough winter gear to sustain this. I need one of my kids to say my go to phrase for them: suck it up buttercup or buckleup duckie. Because I am being a lame ass!
So that’s why I’m writing I needed to get it out there and now I need to move on. Happy Thanksgiving!
As my boys grow I catch glimpses into the future- their future. I can see them as young men and imagine what they might be like in high school, college, even adult hood. Ugh I can’t imagine being a parent of an actual adult. Too much! By in these moments it’s the tug at my feelings, my heartstrings that always makes me lose my breath. It’s as if I want to be proud of that moment, knowning they will be good men one day but also sad that it’s closer than any of us want to admit.
Aiden is 9 going on 10 in a few months and he recently took soccer pics. And when I opened up the digital file and saw the young man on my screen I gasped. I sucked in air and thought how is this my child, my baby. The boy who made me a mom, who gave me my first gray hair, that called me mommy first, how in the world? He just looked so grown. This was one of those glimpses. Those moments where you smile as you cry.
I saw a young man and not my baby and I was both proud and sad. Proud of what the future holds for him and sad that my baby is no longer there. Oh motherhood and father time you are so god damn cruel.
Hey everyone! Happy Mugshot Monday! Head on over to Instagram and show me your mugshots! My husband made the comment this week that I used to be a purists and now I add creamer to my coffee… I told him office coffee will do that to you. No judging I still like my French presses black!
Last week marked the first few days back to school for Aiden and Caleb. I was not sad one bit. I wasn’t necessarily happy about i was sentimental to the fact that I now have a 4th grader- I mean seriously?!! A 4th grader! And that Caleb is now a 1st grader. Man I am truly wondering where the time went. In the last couple of years the phrase “the days are long and the years are short” has really resonated with me. I feel like that perfectly sums up being a parent and what it feels like raising your kids.
The boys love their teachers and I appreciate that they seem to have super organized teachers. Even though my work schedule is always the same and I don’t bring work home- we are busy people with sports and my husband working shift work. I can appreciate the extra time and effort their teachers are taking to help keep them and us (parents) organized. I’m excited to see what this year holds for our boys and I pray they continue to be successful students and keep the love of learning alive.
Moochie didn’t start school- but of course I had to take his pic too! This pic however did make me sad. It is very apparent he is not a baby anymore. 😩
Happy Back 2 School Everyone!
Do you stalk, I mean follow Starbucks Melody? She’s amazing! Great info, pics and inside news on Starbucks and all things coffee. I ❤️ her. She recently wrote a post about a coffee summer shandy. Read it here . Did you go and read it?
I tried it and it was definitely a new flavor profile. I added a little sweeter to mine and it was just the right combo of sweet, lemony goodness. It’s not something I could drink everyday though but an afternoon outside and this is just the right pick me up. So if you try it let me know what you think. Also be prepared for the register partner, the barista, and possibly another barista asking if you meant lemonade. Lol
I want to use regular iced coffee and see how that tastes. Sometimes the cold brew can be just a bit too tangy for me and I think the mellowness of regular iced coffee might help that. We shall see. As we get ready for fall and let’s face it where I live fall is about 2 weeks of mild temps in November, I need some more coffee adventures. What did you obsess over during the summer? I’m always up for trying new things!
I worked at Starbucks for 14, 15, 16 years? Who can remember, it felt like fucking forever and then it now feels like it’s been forever since I have worked there. I miss it. Scratch that I miss the rush and adrenaline and the laid back, exchange of it. I don’t miss the micromanaging of DM’s and the euphoric serene setup played out to us in motivational speeches and how to video’s from stores that will never know what it means to be a central California store. Central California is the drive thru capital of Starbucks. But I am not getting into that, not my problem anymore. However if you are a manager and want a kick ass barista to kill your morning rushes Monday thru Friday 4am-8:30 am, I’m so your gal!
But I digress, the funny think about not working for Starbucks is how much coffee I drink! I drink at least 3 cups a day at the office. I never had time to sit and drink coffee. Plus I’m spoiled with being able to make whatever I feel like whenever I felt like it that regular drip with creamer is just so basic. But it’s my life right now. I drink it Monday thru Friday and if I am really lucky I get to go to Starbucks in the morning or to a local bakery and pick up some Cafe Du Monde coffee. But I wonder if this is just a habit or if it’s becoming a need. On the weekends I am not pressed to have coffee. I don’t have to have it, I enjoy it sometimes and I want to sit and be all cozy on the couch with my coffee, I just still don’t know how to be that person. I however am totally winning at the office coffee game.
But when is it too much? Frankly never in my opinion but if I don’t need it why am I doing it? Obviously I love the taste of coffee but it’s not like it’s keeping me perky. I really need it to but that’s not my response to caffeine. I also must admit I’m bored. I need to step up my coffee game. I have lost that adventure in tasting and trying new things when it comes to coffee now that I lost my constant access to coffee. Today I plan to try the coffee shandy that Starbucks Melody posted about. Cold brew with lemonade instead of water. Sounds delightful and delicious and mouthwatering. I cannot wait! Review to come soon. So even though I am still questioning my why I coffee, I will continue to coffee. I don’t think that will ever change.
Dear Tia Andrea:
Yesterday marks 7 years since you were taken from us. It’s funny how 7 years seems like a long time but if I sit quietly and allow myself to feel it feels like yesterday. So much has happened and yet so many things are the same. I imagine if you were here, you would be spoiling your grandbaby and so very proud of Alex. She graduated college and is an amazing mom. I imagine your heart would break for Vincent. We are all still hopeful, somewhat, that he will wake up and stop making all these bad choices. As much as I think you and my Aiden would be best friends I think you and my moochie would be even better friends. He is so wild and free it’s amazing to watch. I know you would laugh at the way he and grandpa get along. Like the odd couple, it’s adorable! Grandma misses you so much. My mom still longing for her goo goo. Every now and then I will be listening to music and one of our signature songs comes on. It’s like in that moment you are there dancing with me. Those are my favorite. I love and miss you.
It’s been 2 years. 2 years since the day I thought I was going to die. 2 years since my world was turned upside down. Do you think about me Frankie Kahle? Do you think about my family? Probably not. I try very hard to not think of you. I think of that day and I live with the choice you made everyday but I rarely stop and think about you. You don’t deserve it.
Judge Humphrey, do you even remember my case? Do you think about my words and how hard it was for me to get up and talk about it what the man did to me and my family? Probably not. I also try not to think of you. To think of your words of sympathy for the man that nearly killed me. I try so hard to not remember that moment when you let him walk away Scott free. The day I became a victim and not a survivor.
It’s been 2 years and this year as much as I still isn’t want to celebrate 4th of July I did. And I tried my very best to not think of Frankie and what he did. But how could I not. While I still wasn’t totally festive and in the best spirits, I did not cry. I decided I was not going to let this man continue to control me on this day. We finally took a new picture. I can erase the one I took on that day, the one that popped in my head when that mans truck hit us. The picture I still look at and cry and think that’s the last image I thought I would ever see of my kids. I am happy to erase that.
It’s baby steps. I know one day I will have to let it all go completely but for now there is still some anger, disappointment, and pain. But it’s been 2 years and I was finally able to get a new pic.
This post has been so hard to write. Moochie is four years old. 4!!!!! I have tried so hard to not allow this to happen but it has come and gone and now I must accept that he is not a baby anymore. That he is more little boy than baby.
No! It hurts so much more than I thought it would. I am so happy we decided to go for a 3rd child. Callen is the best of all 4 of us wrapped into one little nugget! He is smart, funny, adorably cute, witty and charming. He is tough like his brothers and kind hearted. When I see him my heart explodes with love. As much as I want another baby he is also the perfect way to complete our family. In the end if we never have another baby, magic 8 ball says never!, I am complete. We are complete. But it’s still sad to see my very last baby grow up!