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Have you ever felt so discouraged by life dealing you tough blow after blow that you just have zero motivation. I think I’m there. We are going through some pretty heavy stuff here and I feel like I just can’t catch a break- not do I have any motivation to dig my way out of this hole.
I’m trying to play it cool. I’m trying to be positive so the kids don’t feel my stress. But honestly I just have stressed so much and let this completely take over my being for so long I’m at the point of no. I’m done. I can no longer care about anything. I just want to get back to my routine and my life. But I know I can only ignore this for a short time. Like any problem it will find you and smoke you out until you deal with it.
Maybe if I just need to get some well deserved sleep. I haven’t slept much and I am all kinds of grumpy when I’m tired. I don’t know. I just know that uncertainty makes me anxious and I don’t want to let my anxiety get the best of me. So if you could spare some good vibes could you please, pretty please, send them my way. Thanks.
this weekend I attended the funeral of a friend’s brother who was killed by a drunk driver. It was tough to sit there for so many reasons. Watching my friend and his family in pain and hurt, was almost too much. Thinking how close I was to being the person in the casket, and feeling like a sore thumb because I survived and he didn’t.
Survivor’s guilt is real even when no one dies in the crash you’re involved in. My husband and I survived. But when I read or hear others stories where their loved one died I don’t want to speak up and say I understand or I know what you’re going through. I mean I do understand the pain and suffering associated with losing a loved one in a horrific tragic way at the hands of another person. But I don’t want to tell them I too am a victim of a drunk driving crash. What makes one person live and another die? There is no rhyme or reason to this process. It’s all randomness. And when I hear or see their pain and anguish I don’t want to make them feel worse by reminding them that not everyone dies. The why me’s are the worst.
The church service was very uplifting as they celebrated this young man’s life rather than mourn their loss. There were lots of people who worked with him in Nevada who made the trip to California to say their good byes and pay their respects. The department or corrections did a full on memorial and salute and it was breathtaking to witness that. When my Tia Andrea died I was so lost in grief I don’t even remember that happening at her funeral.
Mostly my heart just aches for my friend and his family. His brother was taken far too soon from this world and the anger and injustice I know he is feeling breaks my heart. I wanted nothing more than to grab him and hug him and never let go. I wanted to tell him that his feeling of loss will never leave nor will it ever decrease in feeling. Rather he will learn to live with a piece of his heart and soul missing. That he has his family to stay in this life and be present for. And as hard as that is some days you just have to. Life will find a way.
R.I.P Sharrod. And peace and love to you Ryan as you learn to live in this new reality.
Yesterday was a very emotional day. I spoke at a ceremony honoring law enforcement for having a high quantity of good DUI arrests. I was extremely honored and nervous to sit in a room filled with so many people who have seen cases worse than mine. I didn’t expect to tear up but i felt so many emotions telling my story to a new group of people I couldn’t help it. A few times I looked over to the hubs and he looked like he was holding back tears and then I started tearing up again. I met some awesome officers and great people who fight every day to bring an end to drunk/drugged driving. I always feel such a sense of strength and purpose when I get to tell my story. I really like doing these events and hope I get to continue. I sat next to a wonderful girl I remember seeing at the Walk like MADD event last year. She, like myself, was in a wheelchair at that time. And like me now, she is no longer in that chair. She was in an crash right after me. Her friends died in the crash and she was the lone survivor. I can’t even begin to imagine how she feels. But we spoke and shared a lot of the same issues. We both are not fans of the word victim and prefer the term survivor. I like her. I hope she continues to stay positive and get better.
But yesterday was already an emotional day before it even started. Yesterday was 6 years since my Tia Andrea was killed. I always feel a pit in the bottom of my stomach leading up to the anniversary. I always struggle with anniversary in this sense. It’s not a day I want to celebrate. I am glad I got to see my mama today. To help ease her heart even if just for an hour or so. I don’t ever know what to say to her or my anyone else in the family. It’s not something I want to remember but I can never forget. I cannot believe it has been 6 years. I was just thinking how much she would love my boys. I can just see her dancing with them and being silly like she was with me when I was their age. She was the best. I wish we could have spoken before she passed. I wish she was here today and that we could have buried the past instead of her. I still have anger towards her husband for taking her away. I look at Alex her daughter, and marvel in her street and ability to live a full life in spite of the events that changed her life forever. She is amazing. Oh Andrea there’s so much I wish for you and our family. I know you are smiling in heaven watching us and missing us as much as we miss you. Til we meet again.
a friend of mine received terrible news Monday. His brother, whom he adored, was killed, nope sorry, murdered by a drunk driver. There’s so much I want to say, to write, to try to make everyone understand. Understand how selfish drinking and driving is.
But I can’t. I have waited to post this because I wanted to find the right words but right now they escape me. And you know, I know the whole “I’m lucky” bit has bothered me before but right now in this moment I am so lucky and thankful I survived. I don’t know why I did and you didn’t Sharrod. I don’t know why anyone must be taken from this world in this way.
When I heard about your death I immediately thought of your smile. I know this is sounding really cheesy but you had the most beautiful smile! You were so sweet to me, always. I love your brother Ryan like a brother. I promise to keep an eye out on him. I hope and pray you didn’t suffer.
Stop drinking and driving people. There is NOTHING in this world worth your life here with those that care about you. Just stop already. Stop.
I am a routine person. And I love sleep. I am the type of person who either needs 5 or less hours or 10 hours of sleep. 8 -9 hours and I’m still tired and grumpy. Weird I know. But when I became a parent I knew we were going to have some kind of routine. And with all my kids we had a routine and it worked amazingly for us.
While this time off of work due to my injuries has been difficult mentally and physically, the only good thing is time. Time I have with my kids that I wouldn’t have had before because I would have been working. Granted some of that time hasn’t been very good because of my health but the good far outweighs the bad.
This is the first summer since becoming a mother, where I haven’t had a job outside the home. Normally we keep the same routine as during the school year with some modifications for fun times. I mean U.S. adults don’t get a summer break and well, I need my sleep remember? But this summer I don’t have to be at work at 4 or 8 am. And even though I can’t necessarily run around and hike mountains with my kids, we have been having lots of fun!
The first thing to go was bedtime. We can stay up later if we can sleep in, and man have we been sleeping in! We watched all the Star Wars movies, in order, starting with number 4. We are half way through the Harry Potter movies and last night the boys discovered Leave it to Beaver. Every night after dinner we go in the front yard and play baseball with any neighborhood kids that come out to play. It’s our very own Sandlot! We are baking cookies and the boys are helping in the kitchen with every meal.
I know that getting them back into a routine may be difficult but I learned a tough lesson a year ago. Time is precious and making memories is important. I know as adults we can sometimes be so consumed by what we doing for a living it becomes who we are. Remember to stop and be a kid with your kids or even your friends if you don’t have kids. No one knows what tomorrow holds.
Oh man this Monday is getting the best of me and I have been up only a couple of hours. This weekend was rough. Lots of feelings and emotions and lots of time to think and feel each one of them. Sometimes routine and kids are the best remedy. My agenda for today: laundry, meal plan, grocery shop and get myself together. Not necessarily in that order!
Hopefully I can scrape myself off the couch after this coffee. I’m at my parents this morning so I am having some Starbucks Sumatra brewed in a Keurig. It’s funny because when my mom first made the switch to Starbucks coffee full time, brewing at home and work, she would drink Pike Place and sometimes add a little water. I don’t know if she bought the wrong kind or ran out and only had Sumtra but somehow she ended up trying Sumatra. It is an Asia pacific coffee with a strong flavor profile. But it has a low acidity and super clean finish. When I first became a barista it was my favorite coffee. Probably because of the low acidity and how yummy it tasted paired with lemon poppyseed cake! But I digress.
My water adding Pike Place loving mom became a fan of dark coffee instantly. Again I think the acidity and finish played a big part in that. When you go from a high acidic Latin American blend to a darker, cleaner, low acidic coffee you often don’t mind the depth in flavor because you don’t have that kick in the face acidity at the end. At least that’s what I have found.
So here’s to Monday’s and peeling our lifeless selves off the couch and into reality! Cheers!
have you ever felt so many feelings you go numb? That’s me, that’s how I feel about today. Yesterday I had a short fuse. Everything was pissing me off. Mostly because it was taking all my energy to not cry constantly. Today, well today I just want to sleep. Stay in bed and forget the rest of the world exists. But I can’t. My kids want to celebrate and watch fireworks.
You know how they say your life flashes before you when your dying? And in the movies you see the character with all these running thoughts of their past floating in their head? Well that didn’t happen to me. Maybe because even though I thought I was going to die I wasn’t. Or maybe because that doesn’t really happen. Or maybe because the only thing that matters are my kids and that’s what I saw.
Looking back, it’s hard for my husband to look at pictures of the car. I look at them and I’m fine. I look at X-rays of my injuries and I’m fine. But my kids. Before I left for work that day I took a picture of my kids in their 4th of July outfits and that is what I saw. That is what hurts. I honestly saw that image in my head and thought that’s the last time I will ever see my kids.
So much has changed since that moment. For the most part I try not to think of Frankie Kahle and what he did. How he decided to drive while being three times the legal limit and slam into us. So a lot of anger is buried and not on the surface. I still feel guilty when people call me a victim or I tell people I was a victim of drunk driving. I didn’t die and I can walk so am I really a victim? Yes. I have learned yes I am. And downplaying what happened doesn’t do anyone a service.
I have to admit I wonder what Frankie Skip Kahle is doing today? Is he taking pain meds like me? Probably not. After all he walked away from the crash perfectly fine. And he walked away from jail when the judge gave him probation just fine. I wish I could tell him how I feel. I wish I could tell him how my knee swells everyday and how much pain it is causing me. How sometimes the pins in my hip hurt so much I can barely walk. How falling asleep takes me hours because it’s so hard to get comfortable and how I’m constantly battling no sleep. But mostly I want him to hear the things my kids say. How they wish mommy wasn’t hurt. Or how scared they were that mommy was never coming home. How they wish mommy could run and play with them again. Now that makes me angry. I want him to know he hurt more than just me and my husband I want him to know he forever changed the life of my kids.
I wish I could say life is perfect and this man didn’t change one thing. But that would be a lie. Some days I feel so weak like I should just power through this pain and be stronger. Other days I just don’t want to get out of bed. But I get to watch my boys grow up. I get to spend a million more 4th of July’s with them (God willing) and for that, I tell myself to suck it up, swallow the pills, and move forward! Your boys are waiting.
So if you’re reading this remember nothing is worth risking your life or the life of someone else. Drinking and driving crashes are 100% preventable. Don’t do it, don’t let people around you do it, stand up and keep everyone safe. Thank you.
When I started doing Mugshot Monday the point was to include my mug, as in face, in the photo. But since I’m home on Monday’s and usually look a little beat from the weekend, well you would thank me for not showing my face if you could see me now!
Today I’m sharing my newest tea I’m totally crushing on. I’ve seen this particular type of tea for a long time but never even thought to try it. I guess because sometimes English breakfast tea can be too bitter for me, I just assumed I wouldn’t like Irish Breakfast Tea. But this St. Patrick’s day I decided to give it a try. I found a cute little sampler pack of Twinings Tea at World Market that included 2 teas I’ve never tried including Irish Breakfast.
I’m so glad I did because I really like it. I love to add a little cream and sugar to my tea. I’ve done this ever since a trip to Victoria, British Colombia. They served tea with a side of cream. Being young I thought when in Rome… and all. I’ve been hooked ever since. When Starbucks started branching out their tea latte line I was super excited and instantly fell in love with the London Fog or as it is now called Earl Grey Tea Latte.
Now I use my Califia Farms vanilla almond milk creamer in my tea. It’s totally perfect for adding a touch of sweet and cream. I also like that Califia farms is a local almond farmer. In the picture I have my favorite dollar tree mug and am sitting on the bed while my tea steeps. It’s really light in color in the picture but it does get darker as it steeps. As much as I love tea I don’t really experiment with it as much as I have coffee. It’s a shame and I should really do something about that. Until then I will just sit here and enjoy my cuppa. Happy Monday! Don’t forget to show me your mug on Instagram!
it is so rare for the hubs and I to go to Starbucks together. Secretly I think it’s because he hates paying for my overpriced drinks when he is a tall coffee kind of guy. But none the less the kids have something to do with that too. If there’s anything he hates more than my extra shots and soy milk charges it’s paying for the kids drinks! I feel like he is always caught between his childhood of never being able to afford things like trips to a cafe to wanting to give his kids treats and by really knowing how to handle that self inflicted guilt. He’s a non practicing catholic so he isn’t used to the guilt thing.
I digress. Today we dropped the younger two off with my mom and took Aiden to his spring break cooking camp at The Kitchen. We had some time to kill before heading to our lawyers office so went decided coffee was in order at his old Starbucks.
I love sneaking pics of him and posting to social media when he has no clue. We are such dorks. We are sitting her with our cups of coffee, we both got Sumatra, ( no extra shots or soy) playing words with friends talking about nothing in particular and it’s awesome.
So here’s my mugshot Monday and man crush Monday all rolled into one. What’s in your cup today?!