Too Old to Dream

It’s been a long time since I thought about my dreams for the future. A long time that I have told my self I could dream of a future. For various reasons we adults forget to dream. To imagine what our future may hold, to imagine if the world was your happy place. 

Today is Martin Luther King Jr Day. It’s a day to reflect and serve your community and be a part of the world in a positive way. And while I have been thinking about how to discuss this with my kids and how to talk about his I have a dream speech, I realized I don’t have a dream. 

So today I am looking ahead. I am reflecting on my life and the positive role I want to play in not only my children’s lives but my community as a whole. What can I do to give more? What can I do to be more to my family? 

Today is not a waste. Today is my a free day but a day to be free from the constraints of everyday life and be the change you want to see in the world. That is how you honor MLK and that is how you can keep his legacy alive. Today is not a day for differences and grievances but a day for togetherness and celebration of who we are individually and collectively. 

That’s what I’m sharing with my boys today. And I just might allow myself a day dream or two. 

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Resolve

This year I resolve to… My goodness I have no clue. I usually have my list all ready to go by the end of the year. I’m so behind this year I haven’t given it a moments thought. The only thing I do know is that I am sure working out and strengthening my leg will be on that list. 

I of course want to eat healthier and be a better parent but I also want to work on being a better wife. The hubs and I have struggled a lot since the crash and I need to work on my role in this partnership. I have no clue what that entails or even where to start but even if all I do is research and think about what it means to be a better wife, that’s progress right? 

I have no clue what my word will be this year. Again I am still mailing out my Christmas cards, I’m not in a new year state of mind. Not even close. I almost want to resolve to simply write what things I could do better or be better at, and that’s it. Nothing too specific. Every year we make these specific, overly stated goals. And most of us fail every single year. Most of us forget by the end of the month that we have resolved to do anything but the status quo. 

Yeah I’m making a list. A list of things. I will keep that list every where I can but its not going to be a specific goal. It’s simply going to be a general concept, a piece of me if you will, that needs work. Like a to do list or work in progress list. I’m thinking a vision board might help with this concept as well. 
Yeah this year I resolve to make a list to do’s. Things to do for me.

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MADD National Day of Rememberance

December 3 was the Mother’s Against Drunk Driving, National Day of Remembrance. What does that mean? It was a day where family members, friends, those affected by a death or injury due to a drunk driver, could come together and celebrate and honor their loved ones, or in my case, talk about how far you have come since your injuries occurred.

My local MADD group got together for Pie and Coffee. I was apprehensive about going because I didn’t quite know what to expect as a survivor. It is hard to listen to the stories and not feel thankful that you are here. It’s hard to see so much pain in people’s face and hear it in their voices and know that you made it. But luckily I have a very understanding group of friends and honestly, I never feel out of place when I am with them.

The stories. My God the stories are truly heartbreaking. When you lose a loved one in such a terrible, preventable way, that cut runs deep and is always fresh. In retrospect no one in this group needs a day to remember their stories or their loved ones, we live with their memory and the consequences of that incident forever. But there is something extremely therapeutic in telling your story, in hearing other’s stories, in the friendships you build belonging to this unfortunate group that has to exist.

To commemorate the day we created plates with designs and colors. You know the kind you can bake and seal in the image forever. It was so interesting to see how everyone decided to decorate and what types of colors everyone used. We each took our time telling our stories. There were tears and laughter and in the end we all left feeling uplifted and forever bonded. Carla, our MADD coordinator, has such an amazing spirit to put this all together for us and inspire and nuture us in way that makes us all feel safe and free to share. In a world where everything is about now, in this moment, me, me, me, it is so refreshing to have time stop and truly just be.

 

Thank you MADD and thank you to my MADD family.

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Mugshot Monday

So much has passed since the last time I was on here. The MADD walk happened, Aiden started football, Caleb started soccer, and I got a job! It has been super crazy busy around here and I’m still trying to get my bearings. It’s been so bad I have had to go out with curly hair in public! I reserve this look for weekends home until my hair grows out a little more but I’ve been too tired to straighten it this past week. 

So here’s a real mugshot Monday photo for you. Crazy curly hair and all. So many people wonder what Callen gets his curls and well it’s me and my DNA in that hair of his! 
This past week I drank pea berry coffee- lots of it! Going back to work has me like whoa! I could drink coffee all day long! This week we are drinking Verona from Starbucks. I’m hoping to make it to World Market so I can try some pumpkin coffee. We shall see. What’s in your cup? 

  

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Work It Out

i have felt so stuck since my rehab ended. I couldn’t do most of the moves from rehab b cause I didn’t have the equipment at home. Then when I did some modified versions of it I ended up injuring myself and had to stop. It felt like I was never going to get better and I was gaining weight. 

Not much just enough to make me uncomfortable and unhappy with my current body. But when I can’t do anything but ride a stationary bike it’s hard to feel motivated to do even that. I suck at following programs and workout routines because I’m always so tired. And I’m so not one of those people that gets a high from working out. I hate it. I always have and I probably always will. But I tried Zumba and I liked it. I love to dance. I always say when in doubt dance it out! Recent I’ve tried a few things from beachbody and I have really wanted to learn about the 21 day fix eating plan. But I am so not into investing all that money unless I’m totally committed. And since I know almost all the exercises are probably too much for me to handle or even attempt, I figure what’s the point? 

Recently they came out with a new dance workout called CIZE. I quickly ordered this package that came with a similar meal plane to the 21 day fix and the color coded cups so I could measure out my food. I completed my first workout yesterday. I totally thought I would breeze through the first week of beginner workouts. And while the choreography was easy for me, the constant movement for 35 minutes straight just about killed me! 

But in a good way. I felt completely strong and like I might be able to do this. I still have to wrap my head around the food part but I really hope I can keep this up. My body is sore and I’m taking meds again but hey I’m moving! I’m building up that leg and hopefully gaining some strength while I lose some weight! 

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Mugshot Monday

  That picture is my Monday. I had a horrible time falling asleep Saturday and ended up getting very little. Since then I have been so sleepy. Melatonin has become my best friend since my car crash. It takes me so long to get comfortable and fall asleep I can’t just take pain pills and get comfortable anymore. I haven’t been taking pills at all lately but Saturday I did. I took a big girl pill and I felt so good. I forget what it’s like to be pain free. I also don’t realize how much pain I live with, even when I take ibuprofen. It felt so good I couldn’t sleep.

I was so sleepy I fell asleep a little earlier than usual Sunday night. But man when I woke up today I still feel hungover on sleep, or lack thereof! I forgot to pack the ice packs in my kids lunch bags. It’s the second week of school and I’m failing already! 

My mugshot Monday post on Instagram shows my failure and the fact that I need mass amounts of coffee today. Which by the way, I ran out of. It is the weakest pot of coffee ever. I just can’t win today! I think I need to go back to bed and try again. At least I have my beautiful Lake Tahoe Starbucks mug to look at while I drink my water slightly browned by a touch of coffee. 

#mugshotmonday

#mymondayisshowing 

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It’s Back to School Time!! 

  
The last few days have been a whirlwind. Yesterday was officially the first day of school for my babes. I snapped this photo because well look how cute and big they are and because I’m walking behind them! Now if you have followed me over the past year then you know this is huge because last year I didn’t get to take my boys to school or snap pics of them. Last year I was still in my wheelchair recovery from the car crash. But I didn’t cry. I did the night before and I really wanted to but somehow I felt so strong and renewed in such a simple moment and task that I didn’t. 

  
Caleb started kinder and was so excited. He has the same teacher Aiden had so I am excited to know he will be well taken care of. He came home excited and happy. He said he did a lot of fun things and even made a new friend named Shane. I’m so glad my once overly shy middle little has found his independence. But he does need to slow his roll. He told me as we approached his class, you don’t need to walk me in mom I’m okay. I’m sorry what? Of course I’m walking you in nerd! 

  
Aiden started third grade and was a bit apprehensive since the teacher I requested was picked to be his teacher and he had heard she was strict. Again I was excited that Aiden would be in good hands. But at the meet and greet he learned she was a Harry Potter fan so he hoped that would give them some connection. He came home excited that his teacher was “cool” and he had friends in his class. 

I found the first day of school printable on Pinterest

And of course back to school for them means back to making school lunches for me!  

 
  

I even created a Pinterest board titled Smith Boys Eats just to showcase their lunches. Find me under thecoffeeqween. 

Lastly we had to welcome our teachers back with some coffee duh! I found these cute reusable cups at Target and bought some Starbucks Via vanilla latte. Then I printed this   Super cute label I found on Pinterest. 

  
Happy back to school folks! 

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Wordless Wednesday: My weekend in a nut shell

   
    
    
    
 

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Mayday Mayday. 

Have you ever felt so discouraged by life dealing you tough blow after blow that you just have zero motivation. I think I’m there. We are going through some pretty heavy stuff here and I feel like I just can’t catch a break- not do I have any motivation to dig my way out of this hole. 

I’m trying to play it cool. I’m trying to be positive so the kids don’t feel my stress. But honestly I just have stressed so much and let this completely take over my being for so long I’m at the point of no. I’m done. I can no longer care about anything. I just want to get back to my routine and my life. But I know I can only ignore this for a short time. Like any problem it will find you and smoke you out until you deal with it. 

Maybe if I just need to get some well deserved sleep. I haven’t slept much and I am all kinds of grumpy when I’m tired. I don’t know. I just know that uncertainty makes me anxious and I don’t want to let my anxiety get the best of me. So if you could spare some good vibes could you please, pretty please, send them my way. Thanks. 

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Randomness

this weekend I attended the funeral of a friend’s brother who was killed by a drunk driver. It was tough to sit there for so many reasons. Watching my friend and his family in pain and hurt, was almost too much. Thinking how close I was to being the person in the casket, and feeling like a sore thumb because I survived and he didn’t. 

Survivor’s guilt is real even when no one dies in the crash you’re involved in. My husband and I survived. But when I read or hear others stories where their loved one died I don’t want to speak up and say I understand or I know what you’re going through.  I mean I do understand the pain and suffering associated with losing a loved one in a horrific tragic way at the hands of another person. But I don’t want to tell them I too am a victim of a drunk driving crash. What makes one person live and another die? There is no rhyme or reason to this process. It’s all randomness. And when I hear or see their pain and anguish I don’t want to make them feel worse by reminding them that not everyone dies. The why me’s are the worst. 

The church service was very uplifting as they celebrated this young man’s life rather than mourn their loss. There were lots of people who worked with him in Nevada who made the trip to California to say their good byes and pay their respects. The department or corrections did a full on memorial and salute and it was breathtaking to witness that. When my Tia Andrea died I was so lost in grief I don’t even remember that happening at her funeral. 

Mostly my heart just aches for my friend and his family. His brother was taken far too soon from this world and the anger and injustice I know he is feeling breaks my heart. I wanted nothing more than to grab him and hug him and never let go. I wanted to tell him that his feeling of loss will never leave nor will it ever decrease in feeling. Rather he will learn to live with a piece of his heart and soul missing. That he has his family to stay in this life and be present for. And as hard as that is some days you just have to. Life will find a way.  

R.I.P Sharrod. And peace and love to you Ryan as you learn to live in this new reality. 

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